PROCESSING.
The Space Between
I’ve always loved the process of self-analysis; dissecting myself into parts to make sense of what I’m working with. Aside from my collection of David Sedaris books, my shelves are an embarrassing display of what could appear as a cry for help. Back in the day (before Self Help was thoughtfully rebranded as Personal Growth) there may as well of been a siren that sounded when you entered the self help aisle. Just being near that section loudly announced to the store “Beware, this person needs help!”. You combine that with my nail biting habit and an attire that chooses comfort first, I’m sure I fit the bill! I quickly learned not to tout my reading preferences like a voracious novel reader would. If I brought a book to the coffee shop, you’d better believe it was pressed firmly against my lap to disguise its title while I sat in suspenseful fear of someone asking me what I was reading.
Luckily, times have changed and self-improvement no longer comes with an SOS signal. It’s understood that we all just want to feel better. But what is “better?” We each have our own version of what better looks like and it seems like we’re all on a quest to find it.
I like to think of life as a big scavenger hunt. One that’s riddled with internal and external clues that continuously shape our direction. We don’t have to participate in this hunt. But acknowledging it alone can heighten our awareness of the breadcrumbs left along the way. Are we dropping these crumbs for ourselves as we go or were they left for us before we got here? I’ve come to the conclusion that’s it’s both! I don’t believe in a final destiny, but I do believe that there’s a purpose we each come here to fulfill Not as a thing, but more as an essence. A certain Je ne sais quoi that only we posses. This quality whispers to us along the way. Asking to be remembered. It casts a preliminary blueprint for us to follow. A choose-your-own-adventure map if you will that’s filled with the people and experiences needed to lead you back to your truest self. Valleys initially carved from our unique curiosity and desires. A hunt of endless possibilities that can lead you closer or further from yourself.
For most of us, our map eventually becomes littered with signs displaying other people’s directions. We come across conditions that make us feel hunted rather than guided. And if we’re not careful, we get sucked into the dark shadows with everyone to blame but ourselves. A game of survival and victimhood without any hope of being rescued.
Most of us are lucky enough to have chance encounters along the way that gently (or loudly!) nudge us back on course. For some it takes a single encounter, some hundreds and for others lifetimes. But the breadcrumbs are always being placed for us to find our way back if we’re willing to tune ourselves into their subtleties.
The challenges that drove me to the self-help aisle all those years ago became my initiation into this attunement. And I’m so grateful they did. They formed my personal map of healing. The conditions I was presented with as a child, the experiences that followed and the perceptions that they formed; these were not placed there by accident. They presented specific challenges that I needed to spark my quest for a better trail. A journey that has reaped more peace than I would have had access to previously.
We all have our own personal themes and challenges to overcome on our adventure maps. But I bet if you look closely you’ll see that every challenge you’ve had has the potential to lead you back to what you came here to be. It might be a tiny thread, but once it’s pulled, the story unravels. Sure, we could form into ourselves without the trials, but I have to imagine we would miss the depth and character that’s formed along the way. It would prevent the development of the tools that you’re meant to be equipped with to be what you came here to be.
My own adventure map laid out a path of true self-discovery. One that is felt rather than read in the books that I was hunting. It has finally led me to a proverbial clearing in the trees. A much needed pause from the sweat I’ve worked up over the years. I’ve finally found a hill top to pause on. Somewhere to take in the sites, dust off the old map and reflect on where I want to head next. As I look back at the clues left along the way, everything was always unfolding perfectly. Every new understanding formed a new clue. Those clues led to new interests and hobbies, directing me to new relationships and unexpected experiences. New understandings were deepened at each stop. And the unfolding continued on and on….and on. And so it will continue. That’s the exciting thing!
Our essence is always whispering to stay the course. To keep picking up the pieces that you find along the way. That they’ll eventually puzzle you back into something that feels whole. And once it does, a new map can form. One that’s closer to that original blueprint that was carved from your soul’s desires.